![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
hope this thing works...well have lost 4lbs already, but i reckon that could be just water weight.
hope it keeps up like this, probably not but here's hoping.
- Mood:
pessimistic - Music:cigaro - system of a down
Is this a dream?
If it is please don't wake me from this high.
I've become comfortably numb,
Until you opened up my eyes.
To what its like
When everythings right.
I can't believe,
You found me when no one else was looking,
How did you know just where I would be?
You broke through all of my confusion,
The ups and the downs and you still didn't leave,
I guess that you saw what nobody could see,
You found me.
So here we are,
That's pretty far,
When you think of where we've been.
No going back,
I'm fading out,
All that has faded me within.
You're by my side,
Now everythings fine.
I can't believe,
You found me when no one else was looking,
How did you know just where I would be?
You broke through all of my confusion,
The ups and the downs and you still didn't leave,
I guess that you saw what nobody could see,
You found me.
And I was hiding,
Til you came along,
And showed me where I belong.
You found me when no one else was looking,
How did you know? How did you know?
You found me when no one else was looking,
How did you know just where I would be?
You broke through all of my confusion,
The ups and the downs and you still didnt leave,
I guess that you saw what nobody could see,
You found me.
You broke through all of my confusion,
The ups and the downs and you still didn't leave,
I guess that you saw what nobody could see.
The good and the bad and the things in between
You found me.
You found me.
i know its cheesy and corny but its the only thing i could think of that shows how i feel about the people on PA.
if any of you great guys and gals on there read this i just wanna say: thank you!
- Mood:
calm - Music:kelly clarkson - you found me
whats worse is, she made me cook breakfast. told her i didnt want to but i had to.
and it was all fried stuff.
disgusting.
will start anew tomorrow. hopefully while shes at work for the next week i can lose the amount i want to before i go back to work.
the girl i mentioned in an earlier post was sat next to me at the dining room table saying, "its ok to eat, but you have to promise to get it all up afterwards. if you dont you'll get fat." what she said made sense, so yup, i purged again.
for the third time today.
i hate doing it. i really do. but unless my mum loses interest in having these family meals together any time soon, its something thats going to be happening on a regular basis.
i thought that id put the bulimia side to my ed behind me. oh well, looks like its back for a while.
(for my future reference)
i know that when i reread these entries its going to sound like im making a joke out of everything but im not. it just hurts too much and writing it down like this makes it somewhat easier to deal with...in a way.
hoping that i havent gained.
im going to start the milk diet tomorrow while my mums out. shes out for the whole day so thats good.
*reminder: phone her late afternoon and tell her that ive put dinner on and we're about to eat. - at least then she'll think ive eaten with the other two.
i hope this diet does what it says though i hardly believe that you can lose 15lbs in 8 days just through drinking milk - i always thought that milk had loads of fat in it but o well, i guess its worth a try and if it doesnt work ill just fast until i get to my goal weight.
- Mood:
blah
urgh!
hate myself today...well no difference from any other day.
its just gone 4pm and ive purged twice today...yuck!
hate doing it but sometimes its necessary. my mums got something in her head that we now have to eat all meals as a family until I go to university.
i think its her way of saying that shes going to miss me. yeah right. thats why shes already planning out what she's going to do with my room.
if i didnt have this journal on here i dont know what i would do to vent (even though ive not been on here very much recently) as i dont trust anyone in this house not to go through my actual diary, sad but true. Which means that i darent write anything incriminating in there, anything about my ed or anything else that goes on inside my head.
this is the only place i can vent.
am down from yesterday, which is good. though i think that my weight is going to shoot right back up if my mum continues with these family meals that shes after.
god i hope she doesnt, i really hate purging...but like i said, sometimes its necessary.
oh well.
will update later.
x
- Location:high wycombe
- Mood:
discontent - Music:beyond redemption - HIM
She's been back for sometime now. When she first came back it was like she was just a whispering voice in my head, then the whisper became louder, until it became a shout.
Now it seems she's taken on a physical form again, like I can see her, sat next to me, wherever I am, guiding me through the day, advising me on what's safe to eat and what's not, whether or not its a good idea to see people, or whether its best just to stay inside.
And she's guided me all of these years. What she's said has made so much sense to me in the past that I dont want to say no, or disagree with her. She motivates me, gets me to exercise, to restrict, to fast. Without her I'd be fatter than I am now.
She is my best friend.
Its like she's me, but the me I want to become.
When I stand in front of the mirror, she's there, standing right behind me, so close that if she were anybody else I could touch her by barely moving. She stares at me as I stand on the scales, if I've lost, she applauds and congratulates me but if Ive maintained or gained, she doesnt allow me to eat until I've lost again.
She looks like me, exactly like me, only shes the size I want to be. Skinny. Tiny. Able to go out in public with confidence and feel like everyones watching her, but for the right reasons.
She is my motviation. I see her everyday and I know that is how I want to be. That is who I want to be.
I want to be her.
I will be her.
- Location:england
- Mood:
contemplative - Music:worms of the earth - finch
grrr!!!!!!!
am so fat!!
am on the second day of my fast and all ive had is two glasses of water today.
i plan to kick that up to four before 2pm, which means i have 35mins to drink 2 more glasses of water.
am down 2lbs from yesterday so thats good to see, and ill tell you what i need to lose this weight as it is all weight i put on whilst up in liverpool over the weekend. i put on 7lbs. not sure how i managed that because i was restricting my cals as much as i could without her getting suspicious. anyways she was at work some of the time and i could get away with telling her id eaten when i hadnt and saying i wasnt hungry.
different places. same tricks. always seem to work. but anyhoo, i gained. which pissed me off.
i reckon that if they'd had some scales i could have kept an eye on my weight, but as they didnt, i couldnt.
thats one thing i have to take with me to uni. some scales. will keep them in my room so noones any the wiser.
god uni. thats one thing i still need to prepare for. i go in exactly 64 days and i am not at all prepared.
i havent even got my reading list through the post yet, must ring up and ask for that.
anyway...all this stress about uni is a good thing, keeps my mind off food, at least for a little while.
must go downstairs and make it look like ive eaten today.
will update later.
- Mood:
stressed - Music:because of you - kelly clarkson
"please listen"
thats all i want from people around me. to speak and for people to hear me. for them to listen to what i have to say.
but no one ever seems interested, not at home, not at work, not my friends, not my family.
i just want to be noticed by someone.
anyone.
please.
- Mood:
distressed
the shits really hit the fan!
we now know exactly whats going on.
what has been going on for months!
ffs!
its all fucked up now!
will update later.
<3
- Location:home
- Mood: distressed
- Music:you found me - kelly clarkson
hey hun.
happy birthday for yesterday.
hope it was a good one.
<3 xxxx
every time i look in the mirror all i see is a fat lump of lard.
it doesnt matter how many times people around me tell me that ive lost too much weight and am really skinny, i still dont see it.
my GW keeps getting lower and lower.
every time someone comments on my weight i feel like screaming at them to shut up, tell them that im fat and run away and hide.
i think my friends have figured my ED out and keep telling me not to lose anymore. they just dont understand.
i wish they'd leave me alone.
- Mood:
aggravated - Music:newton faulkner - dream catch me
right have decided to do the 2468 diet starting tomoro.
hopefully this should help me lost those 4lbs ive put on since last week.
this sounds harsh even in my head but sometimes i hate being with my best friend. not because shes on at me but because shes so happy with herself. shes so confident and seems to have no problems with herself in any way shape or form. all i want is to have the self confidence she does and to be like her in so many ways.
but i just dont have that confidence and i know i never will have.
i know i can never tell her about my ed cos then she'll tell my mum and ill probably be hospitalised. it came so close to that a few months ago and im never getting into that situation again.
i hate that everyone i know is so easy and relaxed around each other. i just feel like the awkward one that should be sat all alone in the corner out of everyones way but i have to pretend and act like im fine when i know deep down inside that im not fine with the situation.
they always make me feel awkward cos we'll be sat there watching tv and someone really skinny will come on the tv and they'll all be like "oh my god shes so skinny, i bet she doesnt eat anything. she shouold be in hospital." and i have to act the same way.
i just feel so umcomfortable at the moment.
- Location:living room
- Mood:
depressed - Music:the corrs - angel
should be easy seeing as everybodys out during the week.
hopefully ill lose all the weight i might have put on.
will be taking daily trips to the gym too.
hope that will sort everything out.
havent had anything to eat this morning but am just going to have a cup of coffee or maybe tea with a fag. great combo.
have to walk to college today. there ill prbs have ppl saying that ive lost even more weight.
i wish theyd leave me alone.
ive been invited to a dinner party on monday and its my mums best mate whos hosting it so i have to go.
what do i do?
im on my third fast day and im so close to reaching my goal weight and if i go i know that ill just stuff myself.
help!!! please.
- Mood: anxious
